Respite

I think I lost my faith in love. 

Steve has been someone and something missing in my life. I like to talk about him with my friends, I like to think about him when I’m alone and I like to pretend that he’s still mine when I have no one around. And I know how much it hurts to have someone you love walked away from you and never turned back. Or maybe he did, I guess I would just never find out.

Steve was my boyfriend for two years. We were young and happy together. Or more like I was young. I kept it as a secret because I did not want to be judged. Steve was a sophomore in college when I was in 8th grade. He was my dad’s law student in the university and I was a little girl who went to a catholic middle/high school. I knew how protective my parents are and how our age difference would cause such a drama. However, he was the best thing that could ever happen to me. He drove to my house and walked me to school every morning, he cooked my lunch and dinner, then he picked me up from school at 11 every night. I was deeply dependent and in love and I never thought anything would change.

He took me to Jesse McCartney’s concert for my 15th birthday and he asked Jesse McCartney to sing happy birthday to me. I enjoyed all the jealousy from girls around me at the concert and I couldn’t be any happier. He hid a little diamond ring in my favorite Kinder SURPRISE. I remembered how mad I was when I thought the little chocolate egg was my only birthday present. He was the ideal boyfriend that everyone wanted. He spoiled me and made me the most special girl in the world. His smiles made my heart stop, and his kisses made me melt. It was the first and only time that I was confident enough to tell the world that I love someone with my whole heart. 

Then things changed. I decided to leave home and go away for school. I was so stressed out from the school system and so disappointed in my own performance at the high school entrance exam that I just wanted to leave and never go back. He tried to hard to be happy for me and tell me that everything between us will be okay. And it was, at least in the beginning. He was so strong and mature and so comforting, but I was a little spoiled princess. I couldn’t stand the fact that I have to constantly be by myself, I couldn’t stand to watch my friends hanging out with their boyfriends, and I couldn’t stand sleeping in the infirmary at night without my mom or him. So I freaked out, I remember calling him and asked him if he still loved me. I remember yelling at him and telling him that I wasn’t happy anymore. I remember hearing his tears dropped on the other side of the phone. I remember thinking that I could find someone better and be happy without him.

And I was wrong.

God gives every girl one special man in her life. I lost the chance to be a princess. I lost the man I loved the most. I lost the person that meant everything to me. I lost faith in love because I knew I let my best chance slide away and it would never come back.